Updated: Oct 20, 2020
As seen in the February 2020 issue of APeeling
Lately, has your mantra been “just rub one out and get on with it?”
As a sex educator and sex coach, I have helped numerous people build and rebuild their relationship with pleasure. Despite being connected to devices, we are largely disconnected with our own bodies. Our nervous systems are often on overload due to the fast-paced instant gratification world we live in.
What if you defied the “get it over and done with” expectations and opted out? What if you decided to slow down and do nothing except explore and enjoy yourself? Why not use self– pleasure time as an oasis – an escape from to-dos and shoulds, an excuse to turn off the phone and be fully present with your body?
We often head into solo or partnered sex with the goal of quick and fast orgasms, achieved through the habitual ways we usually get there. Sometimes, the focus on results creates tension or even stress, getting in the way of the full relaxation necessary for arousal and release.
Slowing down means taking as much time as possible and moving out of your “thinking mind” and into the intelligence of your body. Think of this as an invitation to stay in bed all Sunday morning with permission to slow down completely. To touch your whole body without a goal – exploring your thighs, belly, breasts, neck, behind your knees, butt etc. – not just your genitals.
You could stay increasingly curious by asking yourself questions like “what would feel good to me now?” or “what kind of touch do I want to explore next?”, or just roll around and let your sensations guide you
It is also great not to go straight for the genitals – so incorporating lots of touch all over your body with the intention of pleasurable sensation is a great way to start finding new ways you like to be touched.
You can also experiment with types of touch and pressure – scratching, rolling, tugging, pulling, tapping, pressing – etc. there are SO many ways we can touch ourselves and others that can really increase and tune us into our sensations.
Grab a mirror and spend time looking at yourself - observe the colours, the intricate folds, the textures, the curves the openings and the presence of the clitoris. Your vulva, yoni, pussy or whatever name you give to this magical and powerful part of your body is your life force. It is the decorative entrance to the power center of your body. Love it, care for it, observe it. Notice how it changes and responds to your time of month, your mood and your arousal.
Your vulva is full of erectile tissue beds, and when you’re warming up – with a solo session or with a partner – it can take some time (up to 20 minutes or more) to witness what full arousal really looks and feels like in your own body. Some key ways to notice heightened arousal include noticing a feeling of fullness in your labia, firmness and swelling in your clitoris, increased amount of lubrication, and increased sensation.
When the clitoris, internally and externally, is properly engorged, many sensational spots inside of the vagina emerge and can be discovered for pleasurable stimulation. The female pelvic neural network is complex and may also be a part of the female soul. Orgasms may be a deeply spiritual experience for you. The more that you can slow down and relax into the sensual feelings for the entire being—mind, body, and soul, the deeper and more incredible sexual satisfaction can become.
Lastly – getting away from goal-oriented masturbation means not focusing on the climax. It is about the journey and not the destination. It truly is about getting more familiar with and comfortable in your own body.
Savor and enjoy the deliciousness of you.
As a certified professional sex and intimacy coach, consent practitioner, somatic sex therapist apprentice and sexual health educator, I work with clients to repair and strengthen the relationship with themselves and others by supporting them to tap into sensation, embody pleasure and utilize sexual energy to live fulfilling lives. I support parents to create and maintain a sex positive home for their kids by providing them with age appropriate, factual and accurate information. I teach comprehensive sexual health education to educators (train-the-trainer), youth and young adults to empower them to make responsible, healthy decisions and build self-esteem and confidence. I support all ages with consent and boundaries. I offer 1:1 coaching, parent coaching, couples coaching on-line and in-person and offer numerous workshops and talks on sex, intimacy, pleasure, menstrual health, relationships, sex positive parenting and consent.